ANGRY!!!!!

     Seems that my mind is a constant battle field. 
     Why am I in such a turmoil all the time?  I have had such a hard time this year with loss and grieving, sometimes I'm not sure why it has hit me so hard.  But, the good that I would do, I do not... and that which I do not wish to do, I do!
     Kenny said, "you just seem so mad all the time", in a quiet voice.  "You visit with people and when you come back, your mad."
     I guess, I have been angry.  So,I have been pondering what he said and he's right.  Not that I want to admit that, but he has seen my angry responses and unkindness to the slightest irritant.  I have no tolerance for others right now, and because I don't, I avoid them. It's too hard to be nice and stay pleasant.
     Too weird!  I love my family and love being with them, but right now even the g-kids are hard to be around. 
     Even at work, the ladies are sooooo supportive, loving, and accepting.  Short term interactions I can do.  I make them smile and respond appropriately.  The job does isolate me from needing to interact too much with others.  The calls are short and I can be nice to a stranger, but inside I want to tell'm off.  "Are you nuts!  Are you trying to kill yourself?  Why should I care if you don't want to care enough to help yourself.  So, hey, eat that donut, you nut, we'll cut off your foot later.  Can't understand why your BP is so high?  Could it be that you eat crap and don't exercise?  Might be a factor that you weight 337 pound and are 5'7" too.  Belly up, and have another beer and nachos!  Enjoy!  When the top of you head blows off, we'll clean up the mess and call the undertaker for you."

  Where is my compassion?  Honestly, what has happened to me.  Man, I'm messed up.  I'm mad and I'm not gonna take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need a window up high in sky I can lean out and scream at the world,  "HEY STUPID!  Get over yourself, it ain't all about you and the immediate moment!  What about those around you?  What about your family?  What about me?  When is it my turn?  When does someone take care of me????  When are you going to stop demanding and start giving?  I'm tired of the bullshit!  I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND... LEAVE... ME... ALONE!"
  
     OK!  YOU ASSHOLES!  Maybe, just, maybe, if you had not been such self centered, selfish jerks they might not have died!
     Maybe, you could have seen her distress and took care of her.  Maybe she would still be here if you had been what you should have been.  She might have not been sleeping alone, and you could have been with her to get her out of there.  OR, heaven forbid, at least get your g-daughter out instead of running out and leaving them there to fend for them self.  A little girl, and a emotional physical wreck!  Maybe she wouldn't have gone back into that house if you'd done more that take care of yourself.  Asshole.
     And maybe if you had taken care of your own illness, been responsible for your own recovery.  Thought of her.  Just once.  She'd been there day in and day out.  You even bragged you would call her in the middle of the night.  Could you have said, "Sweetheart, go home, I'm better, you need to rest.  See the kids and take care of yourself".  She would have been home with her C-pap and wouldn't have JUST LAID DOWN AND DIED!  What an ass!  I know you, buddy.  I was there when the real you came out!  You are an arrogant, selfish, self centered asshole that DOES NOT love or care for anyone but yourself!!!!!  "I don't know what I'm gonna do...I don't know how to take care of myself"  She wasn't even cold and your son had tried to revive her with CPR.  Her daughter drove to you before she went to her mom, you wouldn't even talk to her in the ER.  He was shocked and blank emotionally, standing at her head and looking around the room at the emotional wreckage... not crying...not speaking...not reacting...or hugging anyone.  The boy was/IS so lost.  What did you do?  "What about me???  Who's gonna take care of me?  She did everything?..."  ME  Her mom and dad, sisters and girls and the boy who tried so desperately to revive her...the baby who had to stand there and watch the paramedics work on her mom.... MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME!
     MAN!  I'm so tired of insensitive assholes.  Selfish people who don't want anything, but all I got!  They are not going to stop until I am sucked completely dry, and when I'm dead, they will cry........Not for me, but because they gotta expend the effort and time and do without or do for them self until they find another sucker, patsy, victim, toilet paper, juice box, candy wrapper, popsicle stick.....  Another someone to be consumed...gobbled up in their greed and the package thrown into the ditch....  Worm food...beetle fodder...dirt....And make me feel miserable because I refuse to be used any more.
     Well, isn't this the stuff good dreams are made of?  Wonder why I can't sleep, or why my sleep is not restful and full of anxious and anxiety producing nightmares.  Wonder why?
     I don't like me now, too much.  Not nice.  Not happy, or satisfied in anyway.  I just want to be left alone.  AND I don't want to be that way...this isn't anyway to live.  Whoops!  Can't get that slippery slope on a banana peel.  That will led me to a ugly place, been there, done that.  DO NOT want to go there again, but there it is.  It's creeping in....BUT!  I WILL NOT GO THERE!  Get thee behind me, Satan!  I rebuke you, in Jesus name!
     LORD!  HELP!  I NEED YOU, oh I need you, every hour I need you.  Protect me now, my Saviour I come to thee.  I need thee every hour.... every minute...every second...help me.  In Jesus name.
     I was bought with the blood of Jesus.  Talk about being used.  I am here for a reason.  To serve Him, and show others how to find Him, and rest, and peace, and joy... in Him. 
     Now, how do I do that if I don't want to be around anyone?  He came to save that which was lost. I guess right now that's me.  Oh, MAN!  I'm so messed up.

Sunday school is not just for kids!

    Well, on to getting a sound mind again.  The scripture for Sunday School yesterday was Romans 5.  We didn't really get too far into the scripture itself, but it laid good ground work for further study and exploration this week.
     He (my Sunday School teacher) shows us how to apply the scripture we are studying.  He has a different method for teaching than I have experienced before, but it is very effective in promoting conversation and helping me think about the application and being real with what my priorities are and what value I place on people and things in my life.
     The first verse in Romans 5 says, "Therefore being justified by Faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:"  Verse 2 and the follow scripture just reinforces the LIGHT BULB moment I had the other day.  What have I been craving? Peace. Where do I find it?  With God, in Christ, by faith. What a JOY to see how God can take a thought and continue to reinforce that so that I am more and more sure of the direction/position I should take. "By whom we also have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  3. And not only so but we glory in tribulation also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4. and patience, experience; and experience, hope:  (HOPE!!  Hope! hope hope hope hope!! HOPE!) 5. AND HOPE maketh not ashamed: because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
     These first 5 verses are such a joy.  WHY?  BECAUSE of HOPE!  We are going to have troubles, problems, trials, test and testing, BUT we have HOPE and PEACE thru the grace we have, and we have it thru Jesus.  Is this Hope like what we think of today?? Or is it the salvation that is available thru Jesus?  Either way, hope is a great thing.  Hope that the experiences I have had will not just be troubles, problems, trials, testing.  Hope that Jesus can and "will work all things together for good".  (Maybe not mine, but for someone else)  How can my heart and mind be in turmoil when I have PEACE with God thru Jesus/salvation by grace? 
     Remeber the song lyrics, "Why do I feel discouraged?  Why do the shadows come?  Why does my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home?  When Jesus is my portion.  My constant friend is He.  His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."  Need to get that playing in my head on a loop track!
     SO!  Let's talk about trials and tribulations!  No one has killed me yet, like they did Jesus and Paul and John and so many others!  I may have been 'tortured' many times, but I'm not dead.  I have my family, by the way, in and of itself, a miracle from God.  I have my babies and my friends and those he has given me to influence, touch, and love.  He's giving me tools to use to help them. 
     Another new tool and then showing me how to use that tool, and it's not easy to learn what he has for me.  It's not easy at all, but as long as I am not dead, I will continue to struggle and sort and lean on Him.  "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!"
     Time for babies to come here!  More later.

I slept!

      I spent the day with Kenny yesterday.  We fished, were quiet together, he was so sweet, attentive, the water, catching the occasional fish, talking about us.... Home to clean MY fish after supper in one of my favorite restarants, a little TV, and after Kenny went to sleep, I started the blog. Physically was one of my hardest days recently, MY BACK HURT.  My leg was hurting dowm to my ankle and shooting pains into my ankle and foot.  But after starting the blog, I got sleepy, went to bed and went to sleep!!!! Of course, it was after 4AM, but I went to sleep!!!! No benadryl.  I had taken pain medication 9 hours before and the pain was returning...but...sleep, restful sleep.  No bad dreams!  I had a GOOD DREAM!  I was a missionary, telling natives how to accept Jesus.  I changed the old old story it into an object lesson and even the witch doctor was understanding and maybe then the human sacrifices would stop!  I was so excited in my dream to watch the light bulbs came on in their faces and realize I was getting to their hearts!!!!  Maybe I will be able to save the life of that young woman.... 
     It may seem silly, but, I was able to dream something so positive!  Something that I love!  I have seen those lights come on in real life, at that time, knowing I am being used by God to bring another soul into a relationship with Him... what I was creative for... God's purpose for my life.

LIGHT BULB MOMENT....  Just now. 

     All that has happened has shaped me to be who he wants me to be to share HIM with others.  I am to use the comfort he has given me to help comfort others who are experiencing the same emotions and turmoil.  I know that... He told me in that I was to use my comfort in the last few years thru his word. That was a previous light bulb moment.
     So, this too is to go into the files as an experience to be used by God to draw others to Him.  When He gives me a new experience to add to the materials that can be drawn upon, to use to understand others and their needs and how they should be approached, touched, reeled to the reality of how HE can and will heal!!!
     GOD IS SO GOOD.  I love you so much, Father.  You are so great.  I'm so thankful that what you have created and made, you have kept.  I could do nothing without you.  I would not BE without you.  Please, now, help me get it together and go on.  I do want to be who you want me to be, and do what you would have me do.  I need you to help me get it together so I can.
II Timothy 1:7  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
     SO, lets get onto the SOUND MIND!!!!!

What Now?

      I have heard of blogging and have seen some by people that I know.  Since I am in flux, as usual, I hope I can use this as a tool to help me think clearer and make appropriate decisions.
      I have always been unsure of the decisions I make.  I try to use the Bible for a guide, pray, and think how and what is the right way to go, do, be.  But, I feel I am handicapped.  I know who and what I don't want to be and do, I have seen enough that most of the time, I can see what I don't want to do, but I am so afraid that what I do will not be right, that I don't see clearly or process the data/information correctly. 
     I don't know what is "normal", I've never been normal, lived in a normal situation.  Therefore, I can't see situations that are normal, I don't react or respond "normal".  I see everything filtered thru tinted lens. Not just colored, the glass is wavy, bubbled, cloudy.  EVERYTHING; every situation, every action/reaction, every thought, every interaction.
     I feel I have to think my response, spoke word, body language, action, reaction, interaction or inaction for how it is going to impact those I love and are responsible/responding to.  BUT everything I see or do is filtered/distorted by these abnormal life experiences.
     SO HOW DO I KNOW???   WHAT NOW????
     It is just easier to be alone and not interact.  More comfortable.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  I crave PEACE.