Sunday school is not just for kids!

    Well, on to getting a sound mind again.  The scripture for Sunday School yesterday was Romans 5.  We didn't really get too far into the scripture itself, but it laid good ground work for further study and exploration this week.
     He (my Sunday School teacher) shows us how to apply the scripture we are studying.  He has a different method for teaching than I have experienced before, but it is very effective in promoting conversation and helping me think about the application and being real with what my priorities are and what value I place on people and things in my life.
     The first verse in Romans 5 says, "Therefore being justified by Faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:"  Verse 2 and the follow scripture just reinforces the LIGHT BULB moment I had the other day.  What have I been craving? Peace. Where do I find it?  With God, in Christ, by faith. What a JOY to see how God can take a thought and continue to reinforce that so that I am more and more sure of the direction/position I should take. "By whom we also have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  3. And not only so but we glory in tribulation also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4. and patience, experience; and experience, hope:  (HOPE!!  Hope! hope hope hope hope!! HOPE!) 5. AND HOPE maketh not ashamed: because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
     These first 5 verses are such a joy.  WHY?  BECAUSE of HOPE!  We are going to have troubles, problems, trials, test and testing, BUT we have HOPE and PEACE thru the grace we have, and we have it thru Jesus.  Is this Hope like what we think of today?? Or is it the salvation that is available thru Jesus?  Either way, hope is a great thing.  Hope that the experiences I have had will not just be troubles, problems, trials, testing.  Hope that Jesus can and "will work all things together for good".  (Maybe not mine, but for someone else)  How can my heart and mind be in turmoil when I have PEACE with God thru Jesus/salvation by grace? 
     Remeber the song lyrics, "Why do I feel discouraged?  Why do the shadows come?  Why does my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home?  When Jesus is my portion.  My constant friend is He.  His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."  Need to get that playing in my head on a loop track!
     SO!  Let's talk about trials and tribulations!  No one has killed me yet, like they did Jesus and Paul and John and so many others!  I may have been 'tortured' many times, but I'm not dead.  I have my family, by the way, in and of itself, a miracle from God.  I have my babies and my friends and those he has given me to influence, touch, and love.  He's giving me tools to use to help them. 
     Another new tool and then showing me how to use that tool, and it's not easy to learn what he has for me.  It's not easy at all, but as long as I am not dead, I will continue to struggle and sort and lean on Him.  "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!"
     Time for babies to come here!  More later.

I slept!

      I spent the day with Kenny yesterday.  We fished, were quiet together, he was so sweet, attentive, the water, catching the occasional fish, talking about us.... Home to clean MY fish after supper in one of my favorite restarants, a little TV, and after Kenny went to sleep, I started the blog. Physically was one of my hardest days recently, MY BACK HURT.  My leg was hurting dowm to my ankle and shooting pains into my ankle and foot.  But after starting the blog, I got sleepy, went to bed and went to sleep!!!! Of course, it was after 4AM, but I went to sleep!!!! No benadryl.  I had taken pain medication 9 hours before and the pain was returning...but...sleep, restful sleep.  No bad dreams!  I had a GOOD DREAM!  I was a missionary, telling natives how to accept Jesus.  I changed the old old story it into an object lesson and even the witch doctor was understanding and maybe then the human sacrifices would stop!  I was so excited in my dream to watch the light bulbs came on in their faces and realize I was getting to their hearts!!!!  Maybe I will be able to save the life of that young woman.... 
     It may seem silly, but, I was able to dream something so positive!  Something that I love!  I have seen those lights come on in real life, at that time, knowing I am being used by God to bring another soul into a relationship with Him... what I was creative for... God's purpose for my life.

LIGHT BULB MOMENT....  Just now. 

     All that has happened has shaped me to be who he wants me to be to share HIM with others.  I am to use the comfort he has given me to help comfort others who are experiencing the same emotions and turmoil.  I know that... He told me in that I was to use my comfort in the last few years thru his word. That was a previous light bulb moment.
     So, this too is to go into the files as an experience to be used by God to draw others to Him.  When He gives me a new experience to add to the materials that can be drawn upon, to use to understand others and their needs and how they should be approached, touched, reeled to the reality of how HE can and will heal!!!
     GOD IS SO GOOD.  I love you so much, Father.  You are so great.  I'm so thankful that what you have created and made, you have kept.  I could do nothing without you.  I would not BE without you.  Please, now, help me get it together and go on.  I do want to be who you want me to be, and do what you would have me do.  I need you to help me get it together so I can.
II Timothy 1:7  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
     SO, lets get onto the SOUND MIND!!!!!

What Now?

      I have heard of blogging and have seen some by people that I know.  Since I am in flux, as usual, I hope I can use this as a tool to help me think clearer and make appropriate decisions.
      I have always been unsure of the decisions I make.  I try to use the Bible for a guide, pray, and think how and what is the right way to go, do, be.  But, I feel I am handicapped.  I know who and what I don't want to be and do, I have seen enough that most of the time, I can see what I don't want to do, but I am so afraid that what I do will not be right, that I don't see clearly or process the data/information correctly. 
     I don't know what is "normal", I've never been normal, lived in a normal situation.  Therefore, I can't see situations that are normal, I don't react or respond "normal".  I see everything filtered thru tinted lens. Not just colored, the glass is wavy, bubbled, cloudy.  EVERYTHING; every situation, every action/reaction, every thought, every interaction.
     I feel I have to think my response, spoke word, body language, action, reaction, interaction or inaction for how it is going to impact those I love and are responsible/responding to.  BUT everything I see or do is filtered/distorted by these abnormal life experiences.
     SO HOW DO I KNOW???   WHAT NOW????
     It is just easier to be alone and not interact.  More comfortable.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  I crave PEACE.