ANGRY!!!!!

     Seems that my mind is a constant battle field. 
     Why am I in such a turmoil all the time?  I have had such a hard time this year with loss and grieving, sometimes I'm not sure why it has hit me so hard.  But, the good that I would do, I do not... and that which I do not wish to do, I do!
     Kenny said, "you just seem so mad all the time", in a quiet voice.  "You visit with people and when you come back, your mad."
     I guess, I have been angry.  So,I have been pondering what he said and he's right.  Not that I want to admit that, but he has seen my angry responses and unkindness to the slightest irritant.  I have no tolerance for others right now, and because I don't, I avoid them. It's too hard to be nice and stay pleasant.
     Too weird!  I love my family and love being with them, but right now even the g-kids are hard to be around. 
     Even at work, the ladies are sooooo supportive, loving, and accepting.  Short term interactions I can do.  I make them smile and respond appropriately.  The job does isolate me from needing to interact too much with others.  The calls are short and I can be nice to a stranger, but inside I want to tell'm off.  "Are you nuts!  Are you trying to kill yourself?  Why should I care if you don't want to care enough to help yourself.  So, hey, eat that donut, you nut, we'll cut off your foot later.  Can't understand why your BP is so high?  Could it be that you eat crap and don't exercise?  Might be a factor that you weight 337 pound and are 5'7" too.  Belly up, and have another beer and nachos!  Enjoy!  When the top of you head blows off, we'll clean up the mess and call the undertaker for you."

  Where is my compassion?  Honestly, what has happened to me.  Man, I'm messed up.  I'm mad and I'm not gonna take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I need a window up high in sky I can lean out and scream at the world,  "HEY STUPID!  Get over yourself, it ain't all about you and the immediate moment!  What about those around you?  What about your family?  What about me?  When is it my turn?  When does someone take care of me????  When are you going to stop demanding and start giving?  I'm tired of the bullshit!  I WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND... LEAVE... ME... ALONE!"
  
     OK!  YOU ASSHOLES!  Maybe, just, maybe, if you had not been such self centered, selfish jerks they might not have died!
     Maybe, you could have seen her distress and took care of her.  Maybe she would still be here if you had been what you should have been.  She might have not been sleeping alone, and you could have been with her to get her out of there.  OR, heaven forbid, at least get your g-daughter out instead of running out and leaving them there to fend for them self.  A little girl, and a emotional physical wreck!  Maybe she wouldn't have gone back into that house if you'd done more that take care of yourself.  Asshole.
     And maybe if you had taken care of your own illness, been responsible for your own recovery.  Thought of her.  Just once.  She'd been there day in and day out.  You even bragged you would call her in the middle of the night.  Could you have said, "Sweetheart, go home, I'm better, you need to rest.  See the kids and take care of yourself".  She would have been home with her C-pap and wouldn't have JUST LAID DOWN AND DIED!  What an ass!  I know you, buddy.  I was there when the real you came out!  You are an arrogant, selfish, self centered asshole that DOES NOT love or care for anyone but yourself!!!!!  "I don't know what I'm gonna do...I don't know how to take care of myself"  She wasn't even cold and your son had tried to revive her with CPR.  Her daughter drove to you before she went to her mom, you wouldn't even talk to her in the ER.  He was shocked and blank emotionally, standing at her head and looking around the room at the emotional wreckage... not crying...not speaking...not reacting...or hugging anyone.  The boy was/IS so lost.  What did you do?  "What about me???  Who's gonna take care of me?  She did everything?..."  ME  Her mom and dad, sisters and girls and the boy who tried so desperately to revive her...the baby who had to stand there and watch the paramedics work on her mom.... MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME!
     MAN!  I'm so tired of insensitive assholes.  Selfish people who don't want anything, but all I got!  They are not going to stop until I am sucked completely dry, and when I'm dead, they will cry........Not for me, but because they gotta expend the effort and time and do without or do for them self until they find another sucker, patsy, victim, toilet paper, juice box, candy wrapper, popsicle stick.....  Another someone to be consumed...gobbled up in their greed and the package thrown into the ditch....  Worm food...beetle fodder...dirt....And make me feel miserable because I refuse to be used any more.
     Well, isn't this the stuff good dreams are made of?  Wonder why I can't sleep, or why my sleep is not restful and full of anxious and anxiety producing nightmares.  Wonder why?
     I don't like me now, too much.  Not nice.  Not happy, or satisfied in anyway.  I just want to be left alone.  AND I don't want to be that way...this isn't anyway to live.  Whoops!  Can't get that slippery slope on a banana peel.  That will led me to a ugly place, been there, done that.  DO NOT want to go there again, but there it is.  It's creeping in....BUT!  I WILL NOT GO THERE!  Get thee behind me, Satan!  I rebuke you, in Jesus name!
     LORD!  HELP!  I NEED YOU, oh I need you, every hour I need you.  Protect me now, my Saviour I come to thee.  I need thee every hour.... every minute...every second...help me.  In Jesus name.
     I was bought with the blood of Jesus.  Talk about being used.  I am here for a reason.  To serve Him, and show others how to find Him, and rest, and peace, and joy... in Him. 
     Now, how do I do that if I don't want to be around anyone?  He came to save that which was lost. I guess right now that's me.  Oh, MAN!  I'm so messed up.